WRITTEN BY CAITLIN HAVENS | ILLUSTRATED BY VANESSA GUVELE

It ’s when I’m feeling sad I won’t remember my dreams, and the times I do, they are terrifying. It’s those dreams that cause me to wake up in a cold sweat, questioning my existence or finding tears spilled all over my pillow. 

When my father cheated on my mother, it was hard to fall asleep because fear consumed my being. “If I fall asleep, it’s going to happen again,” I’d tell myself each night. Dreams would take over and in them, my father would cheat again and again. This was all happening in my mind, but it felt so real that it also took a heavy toll on my emotions during the day. 

Emotions don’t just affect your dreams, and the same can be said for the opposite. If I stay on the topic of sad dreams, you would hear all about how I was just sad all the time and stuck in a state of fear no matter what. But, I have many happy dreams too. 

When I fell in love for the first time, nothing could upset me. Sleeping was a breeze. Granted, it happened early in the morning and lasted until the early afternoon, but relaxation was the least of my worries because it was happening so easily. 

We broke things off — I couldn’t sleep and when I did, it was restless and choppy. Waking up throughout the night and napping through the day wasn’t uncommon for me. Then, I found out my dog had cancer. He didn’t have long to live and here I am, thinking about the “right way” to take care of things. 

I didn’t sleep after getting the news. I would drift off just a bit, then there’s a crash. That crash is a reminder not to sleep, a reminder that I have a living being to look after 24/7 and I should never drop my guard. 

Not only do emotions affect dreams, but sleep too. 

A few months ago, my emotions got the best of me and I admitted myself into Peachford, a hospital for rehabilitation and mental illness. The first night, I didn’t sleep. I was terrified and missed my friends and family. My dream that night was about class and seeing the people I love the most. Later, there was one that was just pure color, no specific shape of any sort. 

I think it’s important to have these dreams, to see things happening from an outside perspective. When I dream, I see myself as a scribble. I am not me, but I’m looking from outside of the action. Even arguments I recently had to reappear. 

Seeing life from a dream-like perspective is not something I recommend for every second of our lives. But if we imagine how a situation or moment would look in dream form, maybe we can start seeing the world differently.