A satirical expression of the facts.
Written by Tyler Spinosa
Illustrated by Krista Knudtsen
In an unprecedented development, the Office of Government Aid initiated a program three days ago that allows students to pay for their loans with actual limbs. In lieu of money, the youth of America can trade at least one arm and one leg in exchange for complete compensation of the borrowed amounts used to fund tuition and other college expenses such as housing, sustenance and materials.
The total student debt in the U.S. right now is $1.42 trillion with about $171,480 acquired every minute. With improvements in cyborg prosthetics and technology, the trade is a completely viable option for those who want to avoid loan payments.
Thousands of students across the U.S. have begun expressed interest in this new deal and many are taking it. Phillip Chestnut, who received a doctorate in theoretical collegiate majors from The University of Blah-Blah-Blah, etc. has been dealing with the detrimental financial consequences of his student loans ever since graduating.
As one of the first people to participate in the Office of Government Aid’s new program, Mr. Chestnut’s life has changed irrevocably.
“Letting the government hack off my arm and leg instead of paying for my loans was one of my best decisions. I mean s***; if I didn’t get my arm and leg chopped off I would’ve just been financially crippled for the rest of my life anyway,” Chestnut said while adjusting the settings on his cyborg prosthetics.
The prosthetics industry is, quite literally, skyrocketing because of the new policy and are selling discounted replacement limbs at somewhat reasonable prices.
“What can I say? Given the circumstances, paying an arm and a leg for a completely free college education at one of the most prestigious universities in the country sounded like a pretty good deal to me.” Chestnut added, “I’m almost half a robot at this point, which is pretty cool!”
The Office of Government Aid says they aren’t even totally sure what they prepare to do with their new influx of limbs.
When asked for a statement their spokesperson said, “I think we might try to make some kind of weird meat chair out of them — make it look like the chair from ‘Game of Thrones’ or whatever. The sky’s the limit, really. Soon, we’ll expand the scope of the program and accept organs or indentured servitude and other weird stuff like that too.”
We tracked down Mr. Chestnut’s alma mater but were not able to receive a comment from anyone at the school regarding the subject at this time.
If one thing is clear, it’s that if you’re suffering from the financial stress of student debt, you might want to consider exchanging an arm and a leg to the government for the loan payments since it really isn’t that bad of a trade.
