By Rachel Carp
Are you a blossoming chef with just three ego-boosting recipes under your belt? Are you a connoisseur of gas station ingredients? Are you just plain hungry? Oh, boy, do I have just the thing for you! I’m something of a chef myself, you see. I’ve successfully saved many a meringue and lasagna from melted plastic lids. (Who knew plastic melts in the microwave? I blame our public school system.) Anyway, a few nights ago, full on plastic-and-tomato sauce, I popped a melatonin and laid back, and must’ve drifted into a dream, because suddenly everything went dark, and a loud, enveloping voice was chanting in my ears a list of the ingredients:
- One hot pickle
- 4 oz. cream cheese
- One egg
- Two half-bags of uncovered corn chips in the pantry
- Three sticks string cheese
- 1 tbsp EVOO olive oil (leftover bacon grease is OK)
- One sticky slushie
- Two energy drinks
Now I know what you’re thinking. Just eight items? But I don’t question The Voice and neither should you. In my dream, I saw the items emerge from the dark, spun around and came to rest on a white table.
“This isn’t your mother’s cooking,” the pickle said.
“You’re on your own now,” the three string cheeses said in prophetic unison.
One of the energy drinks presented itself to me and I drank it. I tasted flavors I had never tasted before. The ingredients on the table chanted in a language I couldn’t hear but understood all the same. This is the gift I am bringing to you. Found in every gas station in the country. All you have to do … is listen and taste. And drive. And pay.
Fried Biblical Gas Station Pickle : A delicious, easy fried pickle with cheese hot enough to burn your lips off.
- 5/5 stars (No Reviews)
- Course: Side
- Cuisine: Prophetic (American)
- Prep Time: 1 hr 3 min. 26 seconds
- Cook Time: 5 min. 6 seconds
- Total Time: 1hr 8 min. 32 seconds
- Servings: 1
- Calories: 1,314
Instructions
- Create a marinade of one energy drink and one slushie.
- Pop in the hot pickle and string cheese. Let marinate for exactly one hour.
- Take one sip of the marinade to keep you going.
- Drain the pickle and cheese of all liquid. Pat dry. Wipe off any paper towel residue. Should’ve paid the extra $2 for the good towels, amirite?
- Heat up oil in a pan.
- Cut the pickle to create an opening, but do not cut all the way.
- Stuff the pickle with the string cheese, eat any excess. The pickle and cheese might try to reason with you at this point. They might say something like, “You’re gonna regret this.” Don’t listen to them, they’ll do anything to get out of a pickle.
- Beat the egg. Let them watch. That’d shut them up.
- Dunk the pickle in the egg wash. Dunk it again. Ignore the screaming, just let it soak in all the crevices between the pickle and the cheese.
- Crush your corn chips into crumbs.
- Dip the egg-covered-pickle in stale corn chips. Roll it around.
- Drop it in the egg wash again. No, it doesn’t count as waterboarding if it’s not human.
- Flap it around on the corn chips. You should no longer hear any screams for mercy at this point. If you do, it’s probably just hallucinations from the marinade.
- Fry pickle in the pan until golden brown on all sides.
- While frying, mix one energy drink with the cream cheese to create your perfect sauce.
- Take exactly one bite.
- Wash it all down with that marinade
Eh? So? Have you tasted the gastronomical equivalent of diesel fuel? Can you feel its power chugging through your veins? If you do, I salute you and kindly ask you to describe the taste in every detail. No, of course I know how it tastes like, I created — No, I haven’t made the recipe, what’s your point — ? Oh, oh, you want me to call an ambulance? Well, let me tell you right now, insurance ain’t going to cover that. Go wait it out over there and don’t bother me. I feel another dream coming.
