by Aida Stone
I experience a continuous inner battle with my body. It originates from two places: my gender and trauma from dance. Like most, I place pressure on myself to achieve this ideal form, perfect body, perfect face, etc. I struggle with the notion that somehow it’s required of me to be accepted, and I become insecure if I believe that I am not physically meeting the ideals of others. I will analyze my face, my body, my hair, remove excess hair, cover razor burn, enhance my body, dress more flattering, appear shorter, and soften and heighten my voice. It can be exhausting. I still have moments that pop up, and I will find myself critiquing my figure, especially since I model. Sometimes, both my gender and former dance trauma will battle each other. I would like to gain more weight to soften my features and appear more feminine, and there are other times I want to stay thin to continue with my modeling opportunities.
Over time, it becomes better as more time separates me from when I was a pre-professional dancer, and my direction with the visual arts grows. I do believe healing will happen and these battles will lessen, allowing for more lucid moments of self-acceptance.
For this piece, I revisit a technique I previously enjoyed using. It is a casual, abstract way of showcasing movement through a still image. Visually, I introduce color and decrease the amount of movement that was occurring. I appreciate the distortions it brings to the image quality, where the viewer must decipher the picture, creating a tension between clarity and obscurity that mirrors my own journey toward lucid self-understanding.
